Snively’s Theorem
In the Beginning … there was nothing but raw matter and energy. The Omniscient saw that all was empty, and was sad. In a fit of depression, it digested vast amounts of matter and energy. This of course caused a pretty bad tummy ache. As the One bent over in agony – relief came with a colossal pppfffftttrrrraaappppp! …
… Scientists now call this the “Big Bang”.
Gordon Snively was one such scientist. As a child, he was sickly and bookish. These traits later developed into hypochondria and a ravenous appetite for the printed word. The former kept the ladies at bay, the latter filled up all the thusly created free time. His was a simple yet busy life. His mother fretted constantly over him, further eroding any manly traits that could attract a possible mate. He was by no means effete. On the contrary he had pored over many volumes on the specific topic of the female anatomy and mind during his adolescence. As many men have learned, reading about it is far removed from the practice. Let’s just say he wasn’t popular with the fairer sex.
Again, being unencumbered by love, lust, courtship or marriage of any kind; he had plenty of time to dedicate to other pursuits. Space had always fascinated him, for in its vast emptiness he found a reflection of his own soul. This comforted him in a strange yet soothing way, so one day while gazing with a hunger that would frighten a steer at the luscious legs of one Betty Primrose, he made a momentous (for him anyways) decision. He would become an astrophysicist. The Universe continued humming in ignorant bliss, unaware and unconcerned.
A man-boy of such deep and unencumbered powers of concentration could not but succeed in academic endeavors. Gordon piled up the schoolwork all the way through high school, fiercely focused on one thing – his dream of mediocre pay and strange but at the same time long hours peering through a telescope. While most other upstanding young men his age endeavored to excel in sports and engage in as many lascivious acts as was possible with their female peers, he remained chaste and dedicated to his goal. Soon he was wining local, state and national science fairs. Westinghouse prized his efforts and the top research universities courted him like a heroin addict would the next full but dirty needle. His father, usually embarrassed by his son’s lack of physical abilities, now rubbed Gordon’s achievement into the face of every unsuspecting passer-by.
His mother, that sweet, smothering woman – continued to worry. Here he was, getting ready for college, yet he could not cook nor clean. He did not know how to wash his own clothes and could only dress himself because all his garments looked pretty much the same. Fortunately his personal hygiene was respectable, and he made sure his hair was always cut and his nails were clean. He wasn’t a homely boy, and could have passed for handsome if you would have noticed him. His personality overpowered his body, and made him seem less than he really was. In any case, this was of little importance to him; those traits would not impede his progress towards his destination.
College was both wonderful and frightening. His scholarship allowed access to the resources of not only his chosen alma-matter, but those of a global consortium of institutions that shared the knowledge gained through the efforts of many bright youngsters such as him. This is not to say that the elder professors and foundation leaders did not make their contributions, but as is often the case, it is the young and reckless that make the next quantum leaps. It was in his studies and conjectures where his true strength shone, and his passions flared. As with other handicaps, not being able to relate to the people of his young generation allowed him to dedicate his resources to the search for scientific truth. In this he excelled.
If only he could have harnessed a little of that power in order to perhaps entice one single, desperate female to him. In his awkward teenage he had attempted many times, achieving a small success with one particular girl. Sandy Bremerton had noticed his clumsy advances, and perhaps out of pity had consented to a date. Gordon tried as best he could to charm her, but between a nervous stammer and overactive sweat glands, he failed to win her over completely. Still, out of the same pity and a kindness best reserved for stray puppies, she allowed him to fondle her. This one prized memory had allowed him to masturbate in many a long and lonely night.
As his studies continued at an ever more frantic pace, the memory of Sandy remained the only female attraction he would allow to cloud his thoughts. The intense clarity brought on by this enforced chastity allowed him to perform mental feats incomprehensible to most hairless apes. By the time he was of legal drinking age, he was a tenured professor. By the time most men are thinking about establishing a family, he was a world-renown scientist and a lecturer of impeccable reputation. In matters of time and space, only the greats of the 20th Century matched him. With the tools available to him now in the 22nd, he would soon surpass them.
Sadly, this did not satisfy him. With every bit of evidence, every morsel of the Universal Truth he unearthed, he became more and more disconsolate. Where most of those in his field would have been content for a modicum of recognition, a few published theses and perhaps a grant that would allow for some time on one of the big telescopes; he was not happy. As if he believed that soon it would all come crashing down; every new success mortified him to no end. Once in a fit of rage, he had almost destroyed a very expensive instrument designed to measure gamma-ray particle collisions. It was only the quick intervention of a couple of interns that saved him and his work. After this, he learned to think of Sandy when despair attacked his inner peace.
His handlers decided prompt action was required, sensing his inner pain. His research had already proven invaluable, creating advances in the areas of inter-planetary propulsion, celestial navigation, quantum mechanics and fresh-flower delivery. Not only had their consortium benefited from the handsome royalties paid by corporations eager to exploit the capabilities if his discoveries, but humankind had also benefited from the opening of the vast frontier of space to safe, affordable and convenient delivery of long-stem roses anywhere in the solar system. This being possible, his manager suggested a trip to one of the research stations in orbit around Jupiter. He readily agreed, as he could perhaps meet Sandy there. As fate would have it, she had worked very hard and had been successful herself. She was known in scientific circles as the leading expert in her field – the mating rituals of extra-solar asteroid clusters.
Being terribly afraid of rejection, Gordon thought it best to approach Sandy via a bouquet of purple tulips, her favorite. StellarFlora delivered these in the Jupiter season of spring, as the storms were at their grandest on the surface of the gaseous giant. As she read the card, and giggled girlishly at his attempts at romance; her heart began to flutter in anticipation. Unbeknownst to Gordon, Sandy had secretly harbored a long (extremely long) distance crush on him. He indicated that if she wished to see him, he could take the next ResCons shuttle to her station, and from there perhaps they could visit the asteroid belt. She agreed with glee, an immediately sent a bouquet of tropical flowers with a very personal note. Thank goodness for the note, as Gordon’s allergies would have undoubtedly killed him had it not been for his desire to see her again.
As he boarded the shuttle through the VIP airlock at Lunar Station Seven, his hear began to beat so rapidly that the sensors in his suit indicated the beginning of cardiac arrest. Had it not been for the quick injection of a sedative by the kindly flight attendant, the inhabitants of the Solar System would have suffered the loss of a great mind, and the non-development of a theory that continues to yield benefits to this day. Fortunately, fate decided to allow Snively a few more decades of life, and allowed him to continue his pursuit of the passions that drove him.
One of these passions was waiting for him at the end of his voyage, below her suit wearing nothing but a sheer layer of elastic-skin meant to arouse and at the same time protect. Gordon would get the ride of his life that night, and not even the asthma attacks brought on by the zero-gee exertions Sandy subjected him to could stop him from now, finally, feeling content. The station commander performed the official wedding ceremony three days later, and they honeymooned beyond the orbit of Pluto. As they embraced and watched the space rocks collide in their love-dance, they mimicked the rituals in their own way. Such bliss would have certainly distracted a lesser mind, but even then Gordon processed the information. Like a ravenous data-search program, he collected the details of everything they saw and filed them away for later reference. Slowly, final understanding came.
With a sleek SolCruiser at their disposal, they decided to spend some additional time exploring not only the asteroids, but the other celestial bodies visible through the x-ray diffraction and gamma sensors on their ship. Gordon had brought these along, and Sandy had patiently listened as Gordon explained their operation and maintenance. Both possessing inquisitive minds and having shared the benefit of solid scientific educations, for them the possibility of research was not only a way of passing the time between waypoints but also a potent aphrodisiac. Theirs was indeed a pleasure cruise, but one whose fruit was not only of the crying, defecating and suckling kind; but also the child of wonder and discovery that has always driven humans forward. As Sandy’s belly expanded, so did Gordon’s knowledge. Soon it was time to return to Jupiter, for both had urgent tasks waiting at the Jovian research station. Since their first child would be due soon, they both agreed to make a hasty return. Sandy was sure that the medi-bot aboard their craft could handle the birth, but Gordon wanted to be safe. Warmed by his newfound, manly protection she consented.
Back on the station, they sat through a long 3Vid in which the consortium board of directors brought to light recent discoveries by the Deep Space Exploration Orbiting Telescope Array. Through the myriad sensors deployed on these advanced devices, scientists back on Earth had determined that something was quite amiss with the Universe. The board reassured the couple that nothing serious could be foreseen, and there was no reason to panic. They did request that they kept any information in confidence, and that they only disseminate the information to those deemed in the “need-to-know” category. Both Sandy and Gordon agreed, and noted their commitment to maintaining the secrecy of the findings via DNA signature. With the formalities over, the meeting was adjourned and they returned to their living quarters in the Jupiter-facing side of the orbiting lab.
Once they had their “evening” meal, Gordon at once began unpacking his scientific gear. He could sense the excitement building within him as he prepared a series of experiments to corroborate the findings of the earth-bound scientists, and also began the task of transmitting an encrypted message with his own data collected during their honeymoon amongst the asteroids. The evidence before him was both tantalizing and foreboding, but he plowed on searching for the answers held within the pieces of evidence so recently collected. Sandy watched him work; at the same time rubbing her abdomen and feeling the little being inside her grow and grow. She worried about the future, theirs and that of their baby. In her dreams she saw the collisions of the asteroids, and sensed in them the same concern that her intuition fed into unconscious mind. Whatever her husband was looking for concerned them all.
Hours passed into standard days, days into months and soon the family had a new member. A healthy new baby was brought into the solar system, a boy called Jim. With the aid of special lamps and an exercise suit, he soon gained the color and strength of any normal earth-born child. He was soon learning at a rapid pace with the aid of the latest AI teaching programs, and his progress was the light in his parent’s eyes. Still, Gordon and Sandy continued to worry, as the rushing stream of information pointed to a serious rift in the natural order of things. At least in what scientists believed to be that order. The changes he had noted in the behavior of both distant galaxies and much closer sub-atomic particles indicated that changes in the underlying matrix of the space-time continuum were not only imminent, but inevitable. Oddly, these same changes did not seem to interact with their molecular physical world, nor within the boundaries of the explored solar system. It was as if both the extreme-microscopic and macroscopic environments of both the Atom and the Universe operated on a different plane from that of their own reality.
Gordon’s fear of the implications was minor compared to his excitement. He knew that science was on the threshold of revealing a new and wonderful secret. When he thought back to his humble beginnings, the trials he faced growing up and how suddenly his life had changed; he could not help but be grateful to whatever Higher Power had granted him this opportunity. That he the timid, stuttering and sometimes incontinent Gordon Snively would be the one to bring this discovery to humanity was a thought that filled him with pride and awe. Had he known the final result then, he would have still been pleased, but more so satisfied in that fate was fickle and sometimes a prankster.
Sandy was herself noticing some very odd instances in both her specialized field of study and in her new role as a mother. Little Jim, it seems, was both his Father’s Son and something altogether different. The fact that he was a perfectly healthy baby kept her from constant worry, but at the same time her observations of his development indicated that something was just not the way it should be. When she compared these observations with the results of her studies on the asteroids, the deductions she made were perturbing indeed. She consulted Gordon, hoping to find a logical answer. His wide-eyed amazement at her findings, and the discussion that followed between them did no such thing.
As Jim gurgled contently in his sling, Sandy and Gordon began to correlate facts and figures and came to an amazing conclusion. For some as yet unknown reason, the recent findings about distant galaxies, quantum mechanics, asteroid love and the recent birth of their boy were seemingly liked by an invisible force. This binding force, while not a danger to the palpable physical universe, surrounded it and interacted in sometimes unpredictable fashion. To test their hypotheses, they would need the help of many in ResCons, and more importantly the friendly folks at StellarFlora. They prided themselves in their fast delivery and that speed was now essential to their tests. First they would need some fresh purple tulips.
On their ride back to Earth on the SolCruiser, Gordon speculated about the possibilities. Either they would find no inconsistency in the demonstrated behavior, some minor fluctuations in the fabric of the Universe would be found, or all hell would break loose. While the latter option would be very exciting, the excitement would be very short-lived and Gordon hoped to avoid this. The middle option seemed best, as it would let them form a new theory around their findings. The first option was dismissed via logic, as they already had seen enough changes from the accepted norm to discount it. Sandy compiled a list of the required equipment while inbound, and they were pleased to find all preparations had been made upon their arrival.
StellarFlora had made half their fleet of speedy shuttles available, both in gratitude to the consortium for the technology that allowed their business to thrive, and in part for the great publicity to be obtained by participating in such a grand endeavor. Each shuttle was loaded with electron microscopes to analyze baseline samples of several elements; X-Ray diffraction, EMP and neutrino sensors; telescopes that could view not only visible wavelengths but also the whole energy spectrum and in one special case the Snively family. The cargo vessels were dispersed through the Solar System and the outlying asteroid belt, some pointing their sensors towards the distant galaxies. Others examined the asteroids closely, and each contained one bouquet of purple tulips to be monitored both in transit and during stationary observations. Thus began the experiment …
… The Eternal sensed a stirring deep within its Being. A slight discomfort began to course through it and a fraction of a moment later, a small pfft echoed through the vastness …
In the ResCons boardroom, at homes, stores and restaurants and even in the Jovian research station folks turned to each other in a mixture of surprise and disgust. People looked at each other accusingly, wondering why people were so rude.
On their ship, vast amounts of data came spewing forth from the multitude of deployed sensors. Gordon and Sandy hear a little noise coming from Jimmy, whose face radiated a smile of such peace as to soothe a burning man. Sandy wrinkled her nose and cooed at the little one, checking his diaper. While Gordon checked the results in amazement, Sandy looked at him disapprovingly. He replied in the only logical way … “Who ever smelt it, dealt it!”
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